Soooo..ive been thinking about this whole situation with me and D. and i don't know if i'd let him in or not. i didn't let J in. i don't want to get to attached to D and then get hurt. ok so part of me wants to let him in and get attached(hopeless romantic part) and theres the other side of me(the cynic) that wants to be in a relationship with him but not get too attached just in case it ends. i wish i was just one of those things instead of being both. if i listen to the cynic it wouldnt be fair to either one of us and i probably shouldnt talk to him if im thinking like that but i dont want to miss out on a good thing. i need to give him a chance. i want to give him a chance but i dont think i could ever let my guard down. im always going to have that brick wall up. even if i do start trusting him theres always going to be a few bricks there. no matter what. i wish i wasnt like this. maybe he can change me. i dont think so though.

D.
yeah hes new. he's older (=D) by a year)
hes funny had blue eyes and a great smile.
I hope this one works out...

I hanging out with him on Saturday (non sexual I promise)

I love you
But you taught me that I need to hold everything in."stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself." Thats it right, mom?

wanna know something, mom? I used to cout myself. Ive done it about 3 or 4 times. sometimes not that deep, but a lot. other times, deep and alot.

wanna know what else? when you guys were moving the stuff into the house and were fighting i tried to kill myself but stop because i thought of not you, but the baby and how he would grow up without his sister. i know what that feels like. it sucks.

so sorry im always fucking moping around all the god damn time. you know hard this was and still is? everyday i think about cutting. fuck. i can barely see the keys on my computer cause im crying so much. I dont hate you but i hate how you make me feel.

you make me feel stupid. you make me feel like i cant show my emotions. but remember how that one time in the car where you were like i have to heal? how the fuck am i supposed to heal if all you taught me was how to shut down, close up? stop fucking contradicting yourself.

im still suffering. wanna know all the shit ive dealt with? herre it goes

the whole drama with my dad and sister

and  then when you left me to live with my aunt and uncle guess what happened? just guess. I was fucking sexually abused. yeah, by your cousin. michael.

then the whole eddie/emilio thing where you sent eddie back and emilio basically ran back to cali without letting us know he was going to stay there. i thought it was just for a few days. i didnt see for another year.

then him being schizophrenic. then you and alex splitting up.

fuck, mom. ive gone through a lot of shit. all this time trying my hardest trying to hold it in.

i love you mom but fuck you.

Have you ever stopped to look at a tree? Theyre pretty amazing. Each is its own individual. In January, they are bare and you see them for what they really are. You can see all the carvings as clear as day. In April, leaves are hanging from their branches. They look so beautiful flowing through the breeze. Over time the leaves start to change. Red,orange,yellow,brown. Its absolutely breath-taking to take a drive and pass by them in autumn. But the beauty doesnt last forever. The leaves fall, taking the beauty with them, disentegrating into the ground never to be seen until the next year. The trees are left stark, and naked until they can start over next spring when they can be beautiful again. When no one can see their flaws. When beauty takes over. Because thats all that ever matters to people...

But beauty doesnt last. so why is it so important to people? If someone can answer that please let me know.

so i dont quite remember when my last entry was but i do know it was short.
well i broke up with sophomore a little over a week ago. he has some trouble with being faithful and honest so i had to let him go. i miss him but i know it was all just a lie so i'll be fine.

im not sure if im ok with being single. i think its best if i do take a break. that was my first relationship and it lasted 3 weeks. theyll be other guys, other break ups. i didnt cry about it. i felt numb. a little scary, i know. thats just how i react to things now.

idk...

but anyway im focusing on me and getting ready for the dance next week.

luv u guys for reading if theres anyone reading.

take care and god bless

i have a bf!!! and its not blue eyes. its sophomore. i know right? what a twist. lol. but yeah sophty is amazing and sweet and nice and cute and smart and caring and lovable and loving and the list goes on and on. i just wanted to check in. ok

well bye oh and im meeting his parents this weekend. yikes!!

dont you ever wish there was a do-over button or your life was just a webpage and you could click refresh? or maybe theres just a backspace button? i do.

but there isnt and there never will be. thats the sad, unfortunate truth. you have to deal with what you have. you cant just delete chapters in the story of your life. you have to keep writing. theres no eraser, no white-out. theres no such thing as rough drafts. just a hard copy.

i feel like i need to start letting go. i need to forget about Blue. we dont have anything common anyway. hes into musicians type chicks who can quote shakespeare on the spot. im not like that. i dont know anything about cars and i dont write poetry anymore. im not that artistic either.

im done with boys, with relationships. if i died never having a relationship id be all set.

im starting over. tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of my life.

uurrrrrrrrrrrrrgghh.
sorry. so remember how i still liked blue eyes? well i switched out of the class that we used to have together. then the day after i did that i find out that we have another class together.

so i was talking to one of my sophomore friends who is like a little brother to me. and he tells me has a crush on me and has since he met me. and guess what? sophomore, blue eyes, and i r all in the same class together. softy doesnt know that blue eyes is in the same class as us and i dont plan on telling him.

i dont know what to do. im not really going to do anything actually. i dont wanna make it anymore awkward than it already is. softy and i havent talked since and we all have class together tomorrow. damn.

well, ill keep u posted.

hey readers(if there are any)
so i started my senior year and i have a class with a guy that i have been trying to get over since the middle of June. yeah, i only like him more. i kind of think he still likes me. but im not sure. i want him to but at the same time i dont because in every relationship, someone or both people get hurt. i cant afford to get hurt. betrayed.i just really wish i didnt like him so much. i told my friend. she said hes awesome.but last year she was complaining about what an asshole he was. uuugggggggggggghh. this is sooo frustrating.should i just accept that i have strong feelings for this guy, or should i keep trying to forget it?

i had a dream about him yesterday. nothing pervish. we just held hands and smiled and talked. just were together. it was so simple. so natural. beautiful.

i dont think that will EVER happen. i heard he was a player (kind of). however i dont think hes as much of a player as my last crush.

errrrrrrrrrrghhh! ill keep you posted. i got to go.